2018

I'd be lying if I said 2018 didn't have major ups and downs. This past year was actually rather trying both physically and mentally. I left 2018 bruised and emotionally battered hoping that 2019 would bare fruit from my hard labors. 
I started the year last year on a low note. My job was fizzling out and I was forced to work 2 full time and 2 part time jobs at the same time in order to keep my head floating just at water level. It satiated my financial needs but with the burdens of balancing it all I started to drown.

In February I gained an ounce of courage and decided to share with the world a very raw side of me that I had kept hidden for 17 years. Something that ripped and tore at me for so long and helped develop this wall that I had built around my inner feelings keeping me constantly on the edge of mental collapse. If you don't know what I am referring to the link is here: http://www.michellelucille.com/paleo-lifestyle/weighing-heavy

Fast forward a couple months to a high note when I decided enough was enough and I started pushing to do what I really wanted to do. I jumped into real estate. Doing this didn't really change my need for work as I was and still am working multiple jobs 16-20 hour days 6 days a week and getting 2-4 hours a sleep a night. I'm hoping in 2019 this can change but for now it hasn't. What it did do is push me to do what I want and give me a drive for success. 

In the midst of all of this my body continued to fight me every single step of the way. In mid summer I had an incident that I almost didn't get through. I got very sick helping some good friends clean up after the major flood that happened in Ellicott City. An ER visit later and a drug prescribed to help make me less sick actually gave my immune system a run for it's money. Instead of doing it's number 1 function it began a full out war with my body causing my Central nervous system and my brain to start shutting down. This landed me once again back in the ER where I was admitted to the hospital and then bed ridden for a few days. It took several weeks for me to recover and still to this day I have moments (less and less with each passing month) where my brain blacks out for periods of time rendering me scared and helpless. Doctors told me to expect it for a while but it doesn't make it any less terrifying, the feeling of lost time. 

Fast forward a bit to July. I needed a break or I was going to hit rock bottom. I joined Jake's family in a trip to the Adirondacks for 4 days. It was exhilarating. 4 days in the middle of the woods with absolutely no technology and minimal electricity. I needed this trip. I needed to clear my head and decompress. 

After getting back from the trip the year began to chug along a little more steady. Fall was great. I lost weight and began to feel better in my own skin.  Then the early winter hit... Along with that was a string of hospital visits and tests. My interstitial cystitis flaired back up, my stomach swelled with ovarian cysts causing severe pain and my endometriosis was making day to day activities miserable. Results began coming in. Not ones I was ready for. To help understand my emotional status at this point I need to rewind back a bit.

After Artorias was born and my body began to collapse I started many rounds of tests. All signs pointed to MS. I spent a while full of self pity. My body began to fall apart due to the hormonal changes of pregnancy. If I had known what was to come of having my son I still wouldn't have done it any differently. Fast forward to shortly after. Finding out everythingI decided I only wanted one child. That was my decision, I got to make it. Fast forward to last year early winter. Results were in. Scar tissue was too severe and tissue in my cervix they said is not strong enough to support another baby. This was a development that actually broke me. I didn't know it would. I was crushed. I wanted to make the decision but instead my body took the wheel. I didn't know how to cope and I didn't want to drag anyone into it. I kept it to myself and once again plastered on a smile. I decided if I couldn't vocalize I'd instead eat my feelings. That's exactly what I did. All the hard work I put in a few months prior was gone. I needed to cope and to be honest it only slightly helped. It still hasn't fully sunk in and it still stings. 

December came and with it my birthday. 28. A day prior to my birthday I started having trouble eating. My jaw was in excruciating pain. Finally I gave in and went to the dentist. I need surgery. My second wisdom tooth is apparently beginning to grow underneath the roots of my back molars which could end badly. I took medicine to bring down the pain and moved in with my life, no I have yet to get the surgery... In time, when life allows I will. 

A final blow to the year happened when I herniated my C2 worse then it was which landed me in a neck brace for the final days of the year.

Even with all the chaos my year did end on a high note. On the final day of the year we closed on our house. Jake, Arttist, Artorias, and myself can finally turn a house into our home. A much needed conclusion to the cluster fuck that was 2018.