Uncracked Foundation

​It has been forever since I updated, I know. I am sorry. Once settled in Maryland I planned on writing an update and didn't. I honestly found my self bottle-necked with thoughts and unable to put any of them down on paper. I found myself needing absolute seclusion to be able to write this. It is hard. I am at a point in this process where I feel helpless. I will get to that in a minute though. I guess I will start on how things were when we left Miami. First as we packed for the trip up I completely forgot to take care of me and worried solely for the task at hand. I packed our "house" as well as Jakes apartment basically single handed. I pushed myself more and more even as I found myself falling ill. I fought it as much as I could but in the end I wound up very sick. I was so sick that I would collapse from coughing and lack of oxygen. Eventually once settled I went to the doctors and did some tests. Was told I had COPD and would need to follow up with a specialist to see the extent of the damage. My left lung at that point was only functioning at about 20%. Still 3 months later I have trouble breathing if I lye on my right side or if I exert too much energy. The cough eventually went away after a round of steroids. A round I absolutely regret taking. When I first found out about the inflammation in my brain they gave me steroids to bring down the inflammation which was great because my migraines decreased but bad because I had every side affect on the label. The day I finished my second round I told my doctor I wouldn't do it again. I didn't. Not for a whole year and a half. Not until march when I was so ill that steroids were the only way to make me able to breath without fighting for air. The thing that made me so unhappy about taking them this time was not the side affects, no, this time it was because the steroids also once more brought down the inflammation in my head. No more migraines for a bit. yay... right? Wrong. As soon as the steroids left my system and the inflammation came back I found myself in excruciating pain. I actually Wanted to die. I was miserable.  Like really could barely get up with out crying. Standing and walking made my head swarm and the pain made me feel like vomiting or passing out. That lasted a few weeks before I got re-used to the constant pain. Fast forward a few weeks. We made the decision that arttie would stay home with R2 and I would work. This actually made me happy because I was going stir crazy sitting home all day. I got lucky and quickly snagged a job with a grocery delivery service called Instacart. The pays okay and I am able to make my own hours which is important for my health. The downside is I have to lug groceries up and down stairs all day. Sometimes It is even cases of water which breaks me more and more each time I do one of these orders. So now that you are in with the details from the move to now lets get down to the gritty reality of my day to day life. Currently My right knee just below where the numbness stops has been giving out. It makes a horrible popping sound and then just goes. It started with numbness, then began the charlie horses every time I drove, then the popping while driving and now the complete give out about once a week. My knee brace has become a constant necessity. I still cant extend my legs straight without the feeling of burning. On to my left arm. My Hand still lacks feeling. I actually sliced my hand open pretty bad a few weeks ago and didn't realize because I couldn't feel it. Result was super glue and new kitchen cutting gloves.  I began having issues in my elbow. I was getting extreme pains, almost like my internal parts were physically on fire. It also was excoriating. Ever sense then It hurts to extend my arm all the time but I just try and hide the pain. Bought a compression sleeve which helps a bit but not much. Two weeks ago I fell off the band wagon and started eating normal food again. Working 72-80 hours a week and cooking dinners for non paleo people gave me zero time to also prep meals for myself. About a week after I stopped with the only paleo diet my migraines came back double strength, the nerve pain in the side of my face returned and the numbness in my left hand has now extended up to my elbow on the outer part of my arm. That happened this morning. not even 24 hours after finding out my car is a goner. I am not going to lie all of this has been way too much for me. The stress of it all has made my face break out. I have very visible wear and tear all across my face. I am constantly and frequently in extreme pain and I wear myself thin by hiding it from the world. I am very good at putting on a smile and just seeming care free. I dont want to burden people with my ailments and I definitely dont want those sympathetic pity "poor you" faces that people give you when they find out whats behind the facade. Mostly though I hide it for my son. He is at that age where he senses sad, unhappy, and other emotions. I hide my pain for him. As a kid I spent a couple years while my mom was sick watching her spiral downward into her illness. I watched my loving beautiful mom be consumed until she was no more. I saw her sad, depressed and miserable. It broke me. I still have a hard time processing everything that happened. I was young and It tore my world apart from the very seams that held me together as a person. I dont want that for R2. I dont want him to see me spiral, I dont want him to see me sad, or broken. I want him to see me as happy and loving. I want to be there for his whole childhood and beyond. I try my hardest and I fight the shit show that is my life each day just to give him something I missed out on. An unbroken future and an uncracked foundation to live his life.