Today my son looked at me and said mommy you have so many boo boos on your face. By boo boos he meant my cystic acne of course. I tried to explain to him that my boo boos were due to my chronic illnesses and unfortunetely they werent going anywhere.
Most days I wake up and I dont even want to look in the mirror. I hate looking at myself. Between the psoriasis patches around my hair line, unwanted facial hair growth and the cystic acne wrecking havoc on my face I just never feel great about myself.
My health has been aweful for so long that I gave in and just keep pushing forward day to day ignoring the fact that my body is falling apart. I work 13-15 hour days 6 days a week so luckily I do not have much time to dwell on the fact that I am a walking disaster but on the days where I have time to think about it it really hits me hard. So many days I wake up and just want to give in to the pain and just stay in bed but I dont. I push on. I slap on a smile and I push through it. Today my boss told me she had never seen me look so tired. Well truthly today everything hit me. I woke up in more pain then I have in a while. I blamed me being tired on me working out the night before but it wasnt that. I was tired because I was fighting perimenpause, a migraine, chronic neurological pains, several herniated disks that were acting up, a stomach that doesnt want to accept food, a hip that kept dislocating as I walked and more overall joint pain then I could bare. Today sucked. Flat and simple. Sucked. But I tried to push it to the back of my mind but clearly it leaked through. I try so hard to go about my life and not let people see how broken I am. I guess some days I cant block it out or hide it. I have been trying so hard to better myself and live my life despite everything. Ive been going full speed ahead into a new career and even started changing my diet and excercise routines to try and make some of my symtoms a little better. I know that wont help a lot of my health issues but at least it can help keep some possitivity and motivation in my mind to keep going and not give in. Tomorrow I am going to try kick boxing. Chances are my doctor will yell at me for trying and I will likely gain a few injuries but I cant live in a closet. I have to put myself out there and try things I never thought possible. I signed up for a 5k for the very same reason. It may take me all day to limp it but I am going to do it. I am going to fight back against my body and not let it ruin my chances at fun. Maybe one day I will feel what it feels to be normal, chances are slim, but I have to try. I have to try if not for me then for my kid. I want him to look at me and see way more then some boo boos across my face. I want him to see a mom that would do or try anything.